There exist few emotions she knows that terrify her, make her question her ability to control what is under the surface.
Late at night, she drops the phone, hears the delicate thud as it impacts the fuzz of the floor. It sounds loud even though most of the tones muffle and are absorbed. In front of the TV, the one she just purchased, just became used to with its sharper image and better technology, she drops to her knees. She too, feels muffled, absorbed into the floor.
Her fingers grasp the flimsy carpet, claw at it as she tries to stall the spinning sensation, the weight of a feeling she's not known before. She feels like she's moving and yet she is there, anchored to the carpet by her fingertips, her nails.
Nausea bubbles in her stomach and then wrenches, opening up the heaving sobs she'd been holding in for over an hour. She falls forward, off her knees, buries her head in the dismal fabric and howls in animalistic pain. She is spinning, wailing, grasping out to each side as if continuing to fall through some imaginary hell.
Hot tears flow uncontrollably from her eyes and they burn with the knowledge that they will continue to cry for days from here on out. She is exhausted from the pain, from the horrible knowledge, from the thought of losing it, and ultimately, from knowing there is nothing, nothing in the world, she can do.
Helplessness paralyzes her and makes her scream for God. Help me, she cries internally. God, help this terrible thing.
Her hair mats to her wet face and she heaves, gasping for oxygen as she's drowning in tears and choking sobs. The sounds she emits, she has never heard before. No one will ever hear them.
She feels wounded, incapable of rising, and so she falls asleep in the floor buried under the weight of duress, under the call she knows is beckoning her to action, and yet she is flat forward. God, does she dare blow the lid off this thing?
All the hurt, all the pain...all the unfathomable torment she knew deep down was there before, but she denied hoping it was never true.
Somewhere, someone is dying and all she wants to do is save a life.
And she cries in heartbreak, not knowing how.
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